A Facebook Story

I’m often amused by humorous postings from my friends on Facebook, so I decided to write a “story” by combining real posts  and comments from my Facebook friends (I’m stuck at an airport – figured it’d be a fun way to pass the time). This is a story collectively told by my friends… 

Being nice is so last season. My patience is hanging by a thread. Holy Sweet Bamboozles, it’s hot here. Humid doesn’t even begin to cover it. The guy next to me on the plane is so fat the armrest won’t even go down and he smells like rotten bacon. There are about 500 crying babies on this airplane and we are still sitting on the runway for a second hour.  All of these screaming brats are really good birth control reminders.

Wondering: what color does a smurf turn if you choke it?

Every now and again I encounter those who subtly remind me why I drink. But I don’t get drunk, I get awesome. There are no absolutes in life – only vodka. If you want to get technical, vodka is practically a health drink if you just call it potato juice… which it really is, anyway.

Dear Annie Lennox: Would I lie to you??

Crap, I realized I left my phone charger at home!  Don’t try to reach me by phone today. Speaking of phones… I really want a new iPhone, but think I’m going to wait. Let’s be honest the new iPhone is incredible and it won’t have a worthy competitor for years. However, AT&T is still crappy.

Flight landed safely, now rushing to get rental car so I can make the big meeting. OMG that flight took FOREVER and in-flight movie with Steven Segal was torture. He’s such a one-trick pony, and boring trick at that. He’s almost as bad as Shannon Elizabeth; she is just painful to watch! It just goes to show that all you have to do to become “famous” is show your boobies in a movie.

OMG Hertz lost my reservation and they are sold out of decent cars – going to have to drive a damned Kia. ARGH! Guy at the counter was sooo patronizing. Ass! Save the patronizing for someone like Miley Cyrus or Spidey Heidi whatever her face is. I really hate having to travel on Monday.

You know, Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!

Maybe some Starbucks will cheer me up? Nope. Being at a Starbucks running low on milk is definitely like a day without sunshine. And, I just spilled coffee all over my damn shirt – will have to stop and buy a new one before the big meeting!

Nothing is more important than what’s most important today. NAILED it in this meeting today in spite of being groggy from my flight! Checking in at my hotel. Darn…had to be upgraded to a king master suite due to no availability! The guy in front of me wears a nice suit but I sure hope he has it together because the TicTacs are pretty audible in his back pocket.

This hotel is like heaven! Actually I have to imagine Heaven is something close to Elton John, Lady Gaga, Sting, and Bruce Springsteen singing “Don’t Stop Believing.” Saying a little prayer before bed; will be happy to be home tomorrow. God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference!

Woke up late because the damn hotel alarm didn’t go off! Please let me make that flight home! At the airport, WHEW! I saw a really big-nosed clown who was much more frightening than funny. He was asking “Does anyone have ‘Native Son’ by U2? It’s the original version of Vertigo, also known as Bono’s assault on the Spanish language.” That’s so ghetto fabulous. Oh crap, flight delayed. WHY ME?!?!

Ok, finally back home! Buckets of rain, tornadoes, and 70mph winds. Mother nature is not happy with California! Sat next to Jane Lynch on my flight. She’s charming…not at all like Coach Sue on Glee. She said if you wear Uggs, drive a PT Cruiser or are a vegetarian, we just don’t have anything worthwhile in common. Happy to be home!

Ugh it is a truth universally acknowledged that when one part of your life starts going okay, another falls spectacularly to pieces. I’ve been dumped by text message. Text message! Not even a post-it note?!?!  I just don’t get some people. Insecurity is not a good color on anyone. And some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

I hope life isn’t a joke, because I don’t get it. Time to start drinking. Heavily.

Some say the glass is half full; some say the glass is half empty. I say “Are you gonna drink that?” Alas I have found bliss at my favorite bar. I love a place that understands addictions – all of my vices are being met!

I smell like a wet horse. And hay. And liniment. And sweat. Sometimes, it’s a very good thing indeed that I live alone. Now sitting here with a cat on my stomach.

I’m so much more interesting on Twitter.